Right now leaving San Diego is all I can think about. I am sick of being around the people here. I can’t do anything and I certainly can’t be myself around them. They wouldn’t accept me. That’s not my main concern with them though. My whole life I’ve been all about making my parents happy and being the perfect child, minus perfect grades. Everyone outside of my immediate family can see that I am no trouble to them and I am the most respectful kid around. I am just that way. I don’t do it because I feel the need to, like some people. I do it because that’s the way I am. My family doesn’t understand that singing is seriously my entire life. I’ve done it my entire life. I’ve worked my ass off to be where I am today and I am not nearly where I wish to be. I’m at the point in my life where they expect me to choose a “proper” career path. They say to choose something that I am good at and I will be successful. To be honest, what else am I good at doing? I can name a few, but will those choices be as obvious as singing? That’s the BEST thing I can do. The only thing I can do that makes me happy, that I am good at above all, and I have experience in. Singing is a risky career path. But so is every other career path that they want me to pursue. It’s risky if I am not good at it or if I am not motivated. I’d rather be a starving artist, than be a successful nurse or engineer. I wouldn’t be happy. Just like if I chose to be with a woman instead of a man JUST to make them happy. I am not smart. That’s why I can’t do anything else. Yes, there are so many disappointing things about me. I feel bad enough that I am not who they wished I would be. And if that makes them love me less or support me less or whatever, then I could care less. I am all about myself. Back to the big question. Why do I want to leave San Diego? Because I am sick and tired of the people here. I’m to the point where I am so anti-social and bitter because the people around me, my “friends”, are horrible and distrustful people anyone can meet. I can’t stand being around people who make me so unhappy and make me feel so bad about myself. My family is doing that to me too! I can’t trust anyone anymore. I feel like every part of me has to be hidden because I am always judged and criticized and kicked down when I open up to someone. My family doesn’t understand the shit that I go through with school. My “friends” are everything to me.  Once I lose that, which I am, I will slowly lose myself. I want to be able to open up to people and trust them, because I have faith in humans. Now, I’m not so sure. People who used to promise to be there for me, haven’t even contacted me for a while. It’s sad. For me. I am someone who has so much to give to the people I care about, but people use me and betray me. I feel like when I do move to LA or Orange County, I will be able to start a new slate. I can find better friends. I will have the opportunities that I don’t have in San Diego. SINGING. It’s my big picture. I feel like posting this online is the only way I can open up now. I feel like my voice isn’t heard when I choose to let it out to anyone. Something always comes up or they just don’t listen to my pain and yearnings. All they hear is my voice, but not my soul. My soul is buried within these words. A soul doesn’t need anyone to understand it, but it wants someone to understand what it is saying. I want someone to LISTEN. I want to leave. I want to never come back and start a new life. That’s how done I am with everything. I also just feel like a complete and total failure. I know it’s my fault, but that’s more of a reason why I need a clean slate.

• Disneyland was fun! Good start to my Spring Break!

1. I finally got my Mickey Mouse Sorcerer hat that I’ve been wanting since I was 5!
2. I bought too many pins for my own good.
3. I love shopping >:D
4. I wanna relax when I’m at Disneyland, not rush and stress over rides.
5. I got a “Homme Fatale” engraved bracelet!

• Why do I keep getting myself into these situations? It’s depressing…
• I think of YOLO, but I also need to think what is good for me right now.

1. Romance
2. Adventure
3. Risks

(All part of YOLO right? I need that sometimes, but sometimes I feel like it’s not good for me depending on the situation)

• Is it worth it?
• I want to start Gossip Girl season 5…
• I strongly dislike people being so hard on themselves and make their life seem like it’s so bad and no one’s there for them. 

1. I’m sorry, but find some self-respect. I see people complimenting you and all the friends who surround you.
2. STOP being so negative and saying you don’t deserve anything or you’re not good enough for anything.
3. I’ve seen way too many people do that and then ruining their lives, NOT because of others or random events, but because THEY do it to themselves. You’re in High School. LIFE IS NOT OVER!
4. BTW if you think High School is the peak of your life, then you have one sad life. High School ISN’T the best time of your life.

• Juliana actually listens to me. I LOVE her!

1. Late night phone calls
2. Helping each other out
3. Telling each other our lives
4. No judgement

• I am still unable to find what I am looking for…(It’s sad)

1. My words
2. What I want to do
3. How I feel
4. My life

• I wanna enjoy the rest of my Senior Year
• It’s so hard to do
• My mind is jumbled that I don’t even remember my dreams, my memory is fried, and I can’t think straight.
• Sometimes I feel like I am CRAZY!
• I don’t know what I want……(With everything)

I feel like the things are say are never acknowledged. I could say something and no one will listen, but when someone else says the exact same thing, everyone agrees or listens. I fucking hate it. I wanna get outta here. Find people who will listen to me. You may say you’re my friend or close friend, but if you don’t listen to me, then I will question our friendship.

One thing that can make or break a relationship with me and someone else, is how much they listen to me. Or at least acknowledge what I say.