Right now leaving San Diego is all I can think about. I am sick of being around the people here. I can’t do anything and I certainly can’t be myself around them. They wouldn’t accept me. That’s not my main concern with them though. My whole life I’ve been all about making my parents happy and being the perfect child, minus perfect grades. Everyone outside of my immediate family can see that I am no trouble to them and I am the most respectful kid around. I am just that way. I don’t do it because I feel the need to, like some people. I do it because that’s the way I am. My family doesn’t understand that singing is seriously my entire life. I’ve done it my entire life. I’ve worked my ass off to be where I am today and I am not nearly where I wish to be. I’m at the point in my life where they expect me to choose a “proper” career path. They say to choose something that I am good at and I will be successful. To be honest, what else am I good at doing? I can name a few, but will those choices be as obvious as singing? That’s the BEST thing I can do. The only thing I can do that makes me happy, that I am good at above all, and I have experience in. Singing is a risky career path. But so is every other career path that they want me to pursue. It’s risky if I am not good at it or if I am not motivated. I’d rather be a starving artist, than be a successful nurse or engineer. I wouldn’t be happy. Just like if I chose to be with a woman instead of a man JUST to make them happy. I am not smart. That’s why I can’t do anything else. Yes, there are so many disappointing things about me. I feel bad enough that I am not who they wished I would be. And if that makes them love me less or support me less or whatever, then I could care less. I am all about myself. Back to the big question. Why do I want to leave San Diego? Because I am sick and tired of the people here. I’m to the point where I am so anti-social and bitter because the people around me, my “friends”, are horrible and distrustful people anyone can meet. I can’t stand being around people who make me so unhappy and make me feel so bad about myself. My family is doing that to me too! I can’t trust anyone anymore. I feel like every part of me has to be hidden because I am always judged and criticized and kicked down when I open up to someone. My family doesn’t understand the shit that I go through with school. My “friends” are everything to me.  Once I lose that, which I am, I will slowly lose myself. I want to be able to open up to people and trust them, because I have faith in humans. Now, I’m not so sure. People who used to promise to be there for me, haven’t even contacted me for a while. It’s sad. For me. I am someone who has so much to give to the people I care about, but people use me and betray me. I feel like when I do move to LA or Orange County, I will be able to start a new slate. I can find better friends. I will have the opportunities that I don’t have in San Diego. SINGING. It’s my big picture. I feel like posting this online is the only way I can open up now. I feel like my voice isn’t heard when I choose to let it out to anyone. Something always comes up or they just don’t listen to my pain and yearnings. All they hear is my voice, but not my soul. My soul is buried within these words. A soul doesn’t need anyone to understand it, but it wants someone to understand what it is saying. I want someone to LISTEN. I want to leave. I want to never come back and start a new life. That’s how done I am with everything. I also just feel like a complete and total failure. I know it’s my fault, but that’s more of a reason why I need a clean slate.

I love singing this! :D I sang it yesterday for the parentals to hear at this party. I was forced on stage to sing when I was/am sick and my voice is all tired. I am not happy with the way I performed, but I did pretty well! xP

famouskphantom:

http://apps.facebook.com/offerpop/Contest.psp?c=64274&u=17070&a=255558194495800&p=346747157323&v=Entry&id=190296&rest=1

Help my parents and me out! I submitted them in a Valentine’s Day Photo Contest and I need as many votes as I can. Per Facebook account. Like the page and then Vote for them err-day until Feb 11! Please spread the word! I would love it! <3 <3 <3 you guys rock!!!!!

Please help me! I am running low on votes and I am in 2nd place. I am hoping my beautiful followers will help me and my parentals? <3

Everytime I am sad, angry or crying over my parents, I just have to think of all the times they have not been good parents to me. I have to think of when they didn’t take me to my first day of school in Kindergarten. I think of the times when they wouldn’t help me with my homework. I think of how my dad ignored me for his new wife when I was 4. I think of how my mom left me for her new husband. I think of the things my parents would give to my siblings and never to me. I think of the times when they wouldn’t tuck me in bed. I think of the times they never took me out for ice cream or Disneyland. I think of the times when they would not go to my Orchestra Concerts, my Choir Concerts, my Musicals, my plays, my awards, my spelling bees. I would think of the times when they would refuse to pay for my field trips. I would think of the times they would take my brother and sister out to dinner and not me. I would think of the times they would take pics and memories of my siblings, but I barely have any childhood pictures.

I would pray that soon I would be able to leave and finally feel loved by someone.

famouskphantom:

http://apps.facebook.com/offerpop/Contest.psp?c=64274&u=17070&a=255558194495800&p=346747157323&v=Entry&id=190296&rest=1

Help my parents and me out! I submitted them in a Valentine’s Day Photo Contest and I need as many votes as I can. Per Facebook account. Like the page and then Vote for them err-day until Feb 11! Please spread the word! I would love it! <3 <3 <3 you guys rock!!!!!

HEY GUYS! Pleaseeee keep voting! They are in First…but I need them to stay in first! Thank you so much!

http://apps.facebook.com/offerpop/Contest.psp?c=64274&u=17070&a=255558194495800&p=346747157323&v=Entry&id=190296&rest=1

Help my parents and me out! I submitted them in a Valentine’s Day Photo Contest and I need as many votes as I can. Per Facebook account. Like the page and then Vote for them err-day until Feb 11! Please spread the word! I would love it! <3 <3 <3 you guys rock!!!!!

My parents can think of a million reasons why I shouldn’t go into singing and acting. I have ONE reason. I love doing it. I can think of a couple more. But that one is enough for me. And it should be enough for them. Should.

Good Night my beautiful followers <3

I’m the kind of person who sees the best in people. Is that wrong? I may see the good in others, but in myself I don’t see much. But that’s besides the point. I am positive and optimistic. People have told me that this trait is too far from reality and that I shouldn’t do that. I know I shouldn’t be this way, but I can’t help it. I am too nice apparently. Especially if I hear something that is totally unbelievable and is such a horrible thing to accuse of someone. But somehow I think it’s true. If it is, then I guess my hope for love is gone. My family is just full of unlucky relationships (marriages). 3 of my uncles have had a pretty bad divorce. My dad and mom divorced. My aunt has serious problems with her husband. And my last aunt just…idk. I don’t understand what I just heard. I don’t understand the reasons. And now the second generation probably might have to deal with even more messed up heartbreaks. Nowadays I look at love and relationships and I realize that there is no forever or a true love. People’s minds change over time apparently. Love just has no chance over time and change, or so I’ve seen. I also don’t feel the love or a strong connection in the relationships with my friends or family anymore. There’s just too much shit that tear us apart. There is no effort or kindness in their eyes anymore. I really hate to be the one left to pull things together again. Being an optimist, I don’t feel right pulling away the same way everyone else is. But being left alone like that just makes me naive and ignorant. The reason I hate to feel this way is cause that means I lost hope. I’ve lost my will to believe in something I’ve always felt strong about. I won’t get that best friend. I won’t see a thriving relationship to keep hopeful. I won’t have a close family to rely on. Thinking of this even drains my spirit. Thinking there is no hope makes you even more weak. Giving up isn’t just easing your pain, but instead it puts a bigger burden on you. Coming out of my depression made me so ready to feel happy again and to be strong once again. I keep thinking of the person who is going to be that one for me. I am not getting any closer. I am taking a step forward and 3 steps back. For once can I have something come to me. I don’t wanna work for something anymore. I seriously work towards everything in a relationship. I feel like the only one trying to move forward in a friendship, or finding that someone for me, or keeping the love in my family alive.

Those 3 things are just something I have lost so much hope in that I don’t feel motivated to get back up. Why keep trying to find a friend when all of them walk away so easily, so quickly and so often? I had friends in elementary school. I lost my best friend in 4th grade. Someone who was my friend since kindergarten. I lost my a best friend in 3rd grade through a car accident. I lost best friends from middle school due to time and they eventually stopped caring. I’ve lost best friends in high school cause they get tired of me. I don’t understand. I am nice to people. I make the effort. I communicate. I must be missing something.

I don’t even care about a lover anymore. This one is harder than all of them. It’s a lie. It’s always gonna end with something. The issues with love that I have seen are horrific. It’s not even love anymore.

Family. One thing I have depended on for all my life. Something just feels off. I guess it’s always been this way, but now that I am older, I see so much bullshit, so many lies, so much hatred, so much stress where I don’t see a family anymore. I see strangers who come into one house just to party. There isn’t a deep connection anymore. We’ve all grown apart. My parents have neglected me. I always feel like this new life of theirs, whether it’s a new husband, a new wife, new children, new families have taken away the love of my parents from me because I am not fully theirs. My dad gives his everything to his 2 kids that he had with his new wife. He helps them with homework. He takes them out. They give my siblings classes to things. They get so much opportunity to them that I did not get. That’s why I am so screwed up. My mom has taken so much time searching for herself. Now that she has a new husband, everything is for him. I’m just the leftover. I don’t have the full attention of my parents. I feel so left behind by my parents. So left behind.

I hate feeling this alone. It’s just hard dealing with this stuff alone. Just gotta stick it out right? This is just a breakdown. I knew it would happen. :/ I don’t know anymore…

My parents made me watch it with them. It’s weird cause I am usually the one to introduce these things. I learned NOT to show my parents anything from Lady GaGa cause they get all parental on me. But since they made me watch it, I was cool. Though it was awkward watching the guy dancers make out and shit on stage while I was watching it with them. They aren’t that cool with Gays, even though they say it’s ok if I am, but still awkward! They just think she’s really crazy. I agree. I kinda liked her less over time cause she even became too crazy for me. But watching that concert made me realize two things. 1. She proved me right, she is too crazy for me. 2. I forgot how much I loved her because of her voice and creativity. Her inspiration and her music. Watching it also made me realize how much my parents appreciate good talent even though it’s some crazy bitch on stage (Love you GaGa), but they don’t recognize me for my talents. :/ One of my goals is to show them someday.

I would say I am gay, but it’s my parents who might not want me to reveal it to their friends or family :/

It’s really depressing how I get my parents to watch my show and they compliment everyone except me. They say some bad things about some people and I ask them what about me?!?! My step mom says that I look into the audience too much! (that was part of my character in my first number -.-) Also I am not passionate enough and I apparently don’t get into the character like I am supposed to. Wtf?! It’s just sad cause errrrryone be sayin that I sing so well and I get so into the character and I have so much soul. Like they didn’t even like any of my numbers but they were quick to compliment everyone else that was not in my numbers. Whatever. There’s nothing I can do to make them understand how successful I will be in this and to show them how good I really am. Even the thing I do best is not enough for them.

I listen to my parents (I am talking about my dad and step mom) so much more than most kids. I always do what they say and I never argue back with them. Of course I get angry at times and I disagree with them, but I don’t do it that often. More like once every 3 or 4 months. I really think they should be a little more tolerant of me now a days because I don’t do stupid shit and I still do what they tell me. They are restricting me as if I am like every other teenager off to rebel or do whatever that makes them mad, but I don’t. I go everywhere with them and other parents don’t have their kids who are my age with them anywhere they go. They are truly lucky that I love family time. And yet, when I am with them, they don’t take the time to “hang out” with me or get to know me. But when I choose to go out with my friends or with my mom then they get all butt hurt and saying how I am never around…Are you fucking kidding me? I think I do a lot for them also but I don’t ask for allowance. I barely ask them for money to go out…almost never. They don’t take me to go shopping for clothes or whatever I need as much as they do for my brother or sister. So in a way, I am a money saving kid. I wash dishes, take out the trash, clean the bathrooms, I do my own laundry, I clean the tables, I keep my own room clean, I don’t make a mess around the house, and I help them clean anything else when they need me to. I don’t feel appreciated at all. Every parent compliments me on how good of a child I am and how lucky they are to have me. Okay…so do I get any praise from my parents? Fuck no.

I also hate how my dad and step mom can’t get along with my mom and step dad just for the sake of discussing the importance of their son (me). Like you need to talk about whatever you wanna do to pay for college and any other stuff you wanna pay for me. You’re supposed to communicate with each other if you don’t want me to sneak around and pretend to be with one parent while I go to Vegas for the weekend. (<— Just for an example) My dad and step mom shouldn’t have anything against my mom and step dad. They’ve actually helped me in high school. They’re actually discussing college and driving with me. I truly believe my dad and step mom don’t care about me as much as my brother or sister, no matter what they tell me. Their actions say otherwise. I feel like their priorities are low when it comes to me. I just there to help them clean the house and watch the kids. But my well being isn’t cared for as much. My parents never helped me on homework or cared enough to ask or take care of my school things. But now with my brother and sister, they are helping like crazy to teach them and to help them grow. I was alone. I feel like an only child sometimes. There’s so much more I want to say, but I am tired and I don’t remember everything that I want to say. :/